how did this happen?

i was born a nancy. certainly not a george, but a definite nancy. slim, capable, vaguely athletic. save for a very short lived chunky period right after college (too much cafeteria cap’n crunch), i have been a single digit size my whole life with marginal effort. yet somehow, when my back was turned (nancy would have NEVER turned her back- even for a second), 30 lbs. came creeping on, and bam! size 10 pants and a spanx-worthy jiggle belly. further investigation would reveal that over the last 2 years i have:

-gotten married
-had an affair
-started therapy
-gotten fired
-gotten a new job
-started medication (SSRI!)
-ended marriage
-moved out on my own
-lost my 2 best friends from college as result of above referenced affair (#1 says- “i can’t respect the decisions that you are making for your life” #2 says-“you are incapable of experiencing authentic emotion”)
-fell love with the right boy
-got divorced
-bought a condo
-got engaged
-ceased medication (for a while until we figure out if that’s exacerbating the fatness)

yes, i suppose 2 years of crazy life upheaval are a good enough excuse if that’s what you’re looking for. but the fact is that i’m not looking for an excuse, i just need to stop. 30 lbs. later and now i’m the fat friend. “pleasantly plump” or “chubby” even if you’re feeling nice.  in less than two years, i’ve gone from running 4 miles a day and going to yoga 3 times a week to being the food obsessed schlub lurking in the background fouling up the mystery and asking when lunchtime is. as of this weekend’s truly horrifying trip to the mall (dear mall store owners: if you want me to buy anything, you’ll cease and desist with the overhead fluorescent lighting) where i could not squeeze myself into a size large skirt at the forever 21 (i know i’m 32, don’t ask), i realize that the transformation is complete. i’m not the nancy anymore. i’m the bess.