overwhelmed.

i feel really hopeless right now. like this fat body is my new body, and i’d better just get used to it.  now i know why fat people wear a lot of spandex. it’s comfortable. even when the clothes fit me, i still feel like the incredible hulk- ready to bust out at any moment… everything feels tight, or is so boxy and shapeless that i look pregnant.  that happened to me once. some woman from my old gym insisting i was pregnant, and i had to keep telling her that i just got fat. humiliation.

definitely feeling less hungry without the meds, but disappointed that the weight isn’t coming off. it’s not that i’m eating that well or exercising, but in my head i thought that maybe if i just stopped taking the pills, i would deflate back to my old size without having to do any work. this is clearly not the case. and tracking every morsel, every calorie… it’s too hard, and i think it wrecks you. food becomes numbers and consequences. food is one of the great joys that we get to experience as human beings… i don’t want to lose that, even though i want to lose weight. aaah, the endless debate.

my future mother in law is a rabid calorie counter, and she hates food. she sacrifices taste for caloric content always, never eats any fat… didn’t even have cake on her birthday… she makes me so sad. she’s super skinny, but i don’t think it’s worth it. my own mother loves food, but is also very weight-centric about it. she’s not a calorie counter exactly, but she talks often of how fat she is is how she needs to lose weight…my mother, who has been skinnier than me for my entire adult life… to hear that always, while being a normal size made me feel fat as a child. even when i was the nancy, i still thought i was huge.  i’ve been in great shape before (i think), but i’ve never enjoyed it. i don’t know that i even know what i look like.

anyway, i thought that maybe giving myself a series of small and singular challenges might be a better way to develop an intuitive eating approach as opposed to the dysfunctional over-vigilance of my female role models.  i need to develop healthy habits, not count calories.

CHALLENGE #1: STOP SAYING YOU’RE FAT.

for the next 30 days, i would like to challenge myself to stop calling myself fat and obsessing outwardly about my weight. maybe if i stop saying it, i’ll stop believing it.