Posted by: Allie Ulrich | September 22, 2009

floodgates

perhaps the reduction in appetite that i perceived when i stopped the SSRI was only temporary? or maybe it’s some residual menstrual backlash from last week? either way, had a relapse of the night-time mega-binge last night.  it usually start when i get slightly too hungry… made the mistake of hitting the grocery store after work yesterday without having a snack first.

at the gorcery store:
-mojo bar
-ritz cheddar crackerful (it was a mistake to buy a whole box of these)

after pilates reformer:
-2 vegetarian taco salads
-gigantic bowl of apple jacks (maybe 3 servings worth?)
-another ritz crackerful

actually…though definitely not good, now that i’ve listed it out, it doesn’t seem as bad as my usual binges (butter & cheese popcorn, funny bones, vitamin water). i’ve most definitely done worse.

i have tried countless times to crack the code to the exact amount of food i should be eating both for weight loss and weight maintenance. weight watchers says 1200 a day for weight loss… but according to my stomach, that is roughly starvation. can you train your stomach to not be hungry, or do you have to train yourself to not mind being hungry? maybe i should just train myself for a marathon, and then i wouldn’t have to worry about how much i was eating.

at any rate, i felt that even though i wasn’t seeing changes on the scale, i was doing a reasonable job on the nutritional/food quantity tip. but another weekend of road food + last night’s binge, i feel like i’m sabotaging myself yet again. i want to be skinny, but i absolutely don’t want to do the work. is there a reasonable compromise to be had between losing weight, and being satiated and happy with food quality? if so, where is it?

as a final update, my first 30 day challenge is going pretty well. i’ve caught myself a lot, but still have not fallen entirely back into the self deprecating pit. whenever i find myself wanting to make a disparaging comment at my own expense, i have either chosen to keep quiet entirely, or tried to speak honestly about the discomfort of my current situation. thus, last night at pilates, working with a trainer who hasn’t seen me in months, the conversation wanted to go: “i don’t go to barsculpt any more because i don’t want people to see what a fatty i am and wonder what went wrong.”  istead, it ended up being a really good discussion about how uncomfortable and embarrassed i am to be wearing this body that seems like it belongs to someone else. as it turns out, it is possible for me to discuss my weight with others without having to put myself down or make a fat joke (before somebody else does). go figure.


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