Posted by: Allie Ulrich | October 25, 2010

i blame the doritos.

so, it’s been a while. almost a whole year… one might wonder if i’ve lost that 30 lbs that i gained when i got divorced/fell apart and that was the impetus for me starting this blog. well, the not terribly surprising answer is no. big no. actually, i’m eating a box of betty crocker scalloped potatoes for dinner RIGHT NOW.

between coming off the anti-depressants that made my appetite completely unstoppable, to trying to get my broken thyroid under control, it’s been a struggle this year. but i’ve also been lazy, and a slave to my cravings and bad habits. so yeah, my skinny pants are still in storage. BUT:

1. i’m starting to feel more comfortable in this bigger skin. i’d still like to lose a few pounds, but i feel less and less like i’m smothering inside a fat suit. i may be heavier than i’m used to, but i’m now able to admit to myself that i’m not actually fat.

2. i’m exercising! in january of last year, i started taking dance lessons. yeah, i’m kind of a sucky dancer, and it’s sort of ridiculous being a 33 year old woman who is doing 2nd grade level ballet… but it’s fun as hell, and  it’s exercise- which isn’t a combination that happens for me very often.

3. i’m ready to try again. i think now that i’m feeling a lot less self hatred and desperation, and i’ve kicked my thyroid back into place, i might actually be ready to make an honest attempt at weight loss.  i need to take my size 4s to goodwill, because getting back there is the impossible dream (probably not that healthy either), but wedging my ass back into the 8s still sounds pretty good.

i won’t lie. i’ve actually been working on the weight loss thing for the last 3 weeks. i’ve gone from 167.2 (i’m 5’7″), to 159.6 and i’m feeling pretty smug about it. although that thing that always happens after 3 weeks of being really well behaved is starting to take over, and my diet unraveled today in a big way. i blame the doritos.

left over from a party a few weeks ago, they were perfectly safe to have around as long as they were encased safely in their protective mylar coating. but then, evil boyfriend had a salt craving. i am a girl that can’t refuse anything coated in atomic orange cheese (or should i say cheez?). when boyfriend cracked the bag and settled next to me on the couch, i was trapped. and for me, once the ship starts to go down, i don’t try bailing or calling for help, i start tying rocks to the hull to ensure its sinking in the biggest and fastest possible way. basically, a handful of doritos was responsible for full system faiure.

i ate 3/4 the bag of doritos. half a bag of salt and pepper cashews, no fewer than 7 fun size kit kats, 2 peanut butter cookies, and (as previously mentioned) an entire box of betty crocker scalloped potatoes. it suffices to say that i a bloated up like a parade float and am not at all interested in the concept of weighing myself tomorrow morning. it will be brutal and humiliating. i will do it anyway to remind myself of the following things:

1. when having a party, i should really avoid buying food that triggers my binge eating problem.

2. i need to learn that falling off the wagon a little bit does not need to result certain disaster. jumping immediately back on the wagon is just as valid a choice as blowing the wagon up with heavy explosives as i run into the sunset.

as a celebration of my return to diet-dom, the fine folks at my blog spark shipped me a sweet little prize pack from the new hershey moderation nation website. you wouldn’t guess that a giant chocolate company would be the right place to go for diet advice, but i think what they’re doing is actually pretty cool. number one, they’re taking responsibility for the fact that they’re junk food. number two, they’re not pimping a ultra restrictive diet that eliminates whole food groups, or fasts, or excessive exercise… they’re just advocating for people to make small changes in their diet and lifestyle and letting them know that a healthy diet can include all sorts of foods (even chocolate) in moderation. it’s good solid advice that i can support (and should probably do a better job at following). they even built a pretty cool (and FREE) iphone app that reminds you to take little activity breaks during the day.

so if you want yourself a free t-shirt, sweet diet journal, and bag of free candy and my undying love… just leave me a comment below telling me what the one food is that you can’t stop yourself from eating. or, if you’re skinny and perfect and never have to worry about your diet… just write me a comment rubbing it in and telling me how you’re gonna eat that chocolate all in one sitting.

the rules are as follows:

1. one entry per person.

2. entries close on november 15th at midnight. winner will be notified via email within 24 hours.

3. skinny bitches must be extra smug.


  1. […] for eating all your candy in one sitting.  but if you want the goods, you do have to go over to being bess marvin and leave me a comment about the food that throws you off the diet wagon with both hands. or, if […]

  2. I really love homemade apple pie. I am very lazy so I don’t make it very often but when I do it is all mine. My favorite thing to do is sit and eat the whole pie while watching The Biggest Loser (while my husband looks at me in disgust and tells me that he won’t feel bad when I get sick from eating a whole pie). I’m pretty skinny but lord knows if I keep up this apple pie crap that I will someday become fat fused to my couch.

    • i have nothing but the utmost respect for a woman who can eat an entire pie. especially a woman who does so while watching fatties on TV.

  3. Doritos survived a “few weeks” in your house??! I don’t think that Doritos have ever survived even one night in mine! I will be interested in following your journey. To follow mine, you would have to follow the trail of Fox Family potato chip bags…

    • as long as they are sealed, i’m ok. but as soon as that bag got cracked by my flimsy willpower… it was all over. all over plus a bunch of other garbage. let’s just say that we had to buy halloween candy 3 times this season. and we still haven’t a single trick or treater.

  4. Haha, a bag of chocolate candy would pretty much be my undoing. 🙂

    That or a box of White Cheddar Cheez-It’s. They put the crack in cracker. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm

    • mmmmm. cheez its are definitely on my “danger zone” food list. i’m not actually a sweets person, but sweet and salty takes me down every time.

  5. Those new pretzel m&m’s. I was doing really, really well on my diet until they released those stupid things. I’ve gained 7 pounds back and have a huge bag sitting next to me as I type this. This is like crack in candy form. Or whatever is more addicting than crack, then times that by infinity plus the two pairs of jeans my ass ripped through through last week (no joke, I had it as my facebook profile pic for awhile it was that awesomely bad). I thought maybe that having that pic up would make me lay off the m&m’s but nooo. Seriously this stuff sneaks into my mouth while I sleep it is THAT SNEAKY AND GOOD. I love that I hate you, pretzel m&ms.

    • OMG, i just ate half a bag of pretzel m&ms. i am absolutely powerless against the sweet and salty combination. i too am also no stranger to the catastrophic crotch blowout. maybe we should start a facebook fan page called “pretzel m&ms ruined my life”.

  6. although i’m older than you at 44, i got up to my all-time highest weight ever last year of 168 lbs. (i’m 5’6″) after being on weight watchers for-fucking-ever i’m only down to 156. it is because once i start eating something i know is bad for me, i lose my mind and just eat any and all shit in my house until i’m ready to puke and feel such self-loathing i could stab myself with the peanut butter knife. i do exercise for 2 hrs a day at my gym, weights and aerobic activities, so i can just imagine what a load i would be if i didn’t do that. i have an extremely addictive personality, and this weight thing is kicking my ass. it was easier to stop drinking 4 years ago, and quit smoking 1 year ago.

    ps. i just ate 8 huge twizzlers because i got home from the gym and was hungry – asshole.

    • i just finished eating so many milk duds. although it is halloween so that makes it ok, right? i got down to 159 a few weeks ago, but i fall off the wagon so easily and i’m back up to 162. we sound like we have similar habits and similar bodies. i don’t drive, so i walk everywhere and dance 3 days a week. i’m POSITIVE that i would weigh 300 lbs if i didn’t exercise so much. i just FUCKING LOVE FOOD. the thing about losing weight is that you still have to eat. when i quit smoking, i just stopped all together. i can be good for a couple of days in a row, but then i snap and eat EVERYTHING in a 1 mile radius. i know all about the self loathing binge hangover. the only difference is that i eat butter instead of peanut butter. i’m hopeless!

  7. My weakest moment with food comes in the shape of Trader Joe’s. Now that it’s here in Portland, I can allow my favorite naughty food back into my life. It’s like an old boyfriend. He was been gone for 2 years and now he’s back, saying things have changed and you want to believe him but something inside you says no, don’t do it. But you {I} cannot stop yourself {myself}.

    Nah, nothing has changed, he’s still the same dude. . . but . . . the naughtiness still tastes so damn good.

    What is is . . Trader Joe’s Chocolate Covered Pretzel of heaven in a bag. Eat them slow, with intention and I swear . . . it’s better than that ex boyfriend.

    Sadly, if I don’t have those, I just take it where I can get it. Never the same but you have to do what you have to do.

    Salty and sweet.

  8. […] while i’m recounting my indiscretions… remember that giveaway? i was supposed to announce the winner 2 weeks ago! just consider it a really long […]

  9. Okay – so I know this is an old post, but I just found your new blog, and had to read from the beginning.

    For me, there are 2 things that I will eat until they’re gone – Girl Scout Thin Mints – there oughta be a law against those things – and Rice Krispie Treats. If I make a pan of those, ostensibly for the kids, they never see even one. I’ll keep going back until the whole wretched pan is gone, long past the time where my stomach is telling me to quit. My only solace is that eventually, the pan (or twin tubes of chocolately minty crack) is gone, and I can stop.

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