i blame the doritos.

so, it’s been a while. almost a whole year… one might wonder if i’ve lost that 30 lbs that i gained when i got divorced/fell apart and that was the impetus for me starting this blog. well, the not terribly surprising answer is no. big no. actually, i’m eating a box of betty crocker scalloped potatoes for dinner RIGHT NOW.

between coming off the anti-depressants that made my appetite completely unstoppable, to trying to get my broken thyroid under control, it’s been a struggle this year. but i’ve also been lazy, and a slave to my cravings and bad habits. so yeah, my skinny pants are still in storage. BUT:

1. i’m starting to feel more comfortable in this bigger skin. i’d still like to lose a few pounds, but i feel less and less like i’m smothering inside a fat suit. i may be heavier than i’m used to, but i’m now able to admit to myself that i’m not actually fat.

2. i’m exercising! in january of last year, i started taking dance lessons. yeah, i’m kind of a sucky dancer, and it’s sort of ridiculous being a 33 year old woman who is doing 2nd grade level ballet… but it’s fun as hell, and  it’s exercise- which isn’t a combination that happens for me very often.

3. i’m ready to try again. i think now that i’m feeling a lot less self hatred and desperation, and i’ve kicked my thyroid back into place, i might actually be ready to make an honest attempt at weight loss.  i need to take my size 4s to goodwill, because getting back there is the impossible dream (probably not that healthy either), but wedging my ass back into the 8s still sounds pretty good.

i won’t lie. i’ve actually been working on the weight loss thing for the last 3 weeks. i’ve gone from 167.2 (i’m 5’7″), to 159.6 and i’m feeling pretty smug about it. although that thing that always happens after 3 weeks of being really well behaved is starting to take over, and my diet unraveled today in a big way. i blame the doritos.

left over from a party a few weeks ago, they were perfectly safe to have around as long as they were encased safely in their protective mylar coating. but then, evil boyfriend had a salt craving. i am a girl that can’t refuse anything coated in atomic orange cheese (or should i say cheez?). when boyfriend cracked the bag and settled next to me on the couch, i was trapped. and for me, once the ship starts to go down, i don’t try bailing or calling for help, i start tying rocks to the hull to ensure its sinking in the biggest and fastest possible way. basically, a handful of doritos was responsible for full system faiure.

i ate 3/4 the bag of doritos. half a bag of salt and pepper cashews, no fewer than 7 fun size kit kats, 2 peanut butter cookies, and (as previously mentioned) an entire box of betty crocker scalloped potatoes. it suffices to say that i a bloated up like a parade float and am not at all interested in the concept of weighing myself tomorrow morning. it will be brutal and humiliating. i will do it anyway to remind myself of the following things:

1. when having a party, i should really avoid buying food that triggers my binge eating problem.

2. i need to learn that falling off the wagon a little bit does not need to result certain disaster. jumping immediately back on the wagon is just as valid a choice as blowing the wagon up with heavy explosives as i run into the sunset.

as a celebration of my return to diet-dom, the fine folks at my blog spark shipped me a sweet little prize pack from the new hershey moderation nation website. you wouldn’t guess that a giant chocolate company would be the right place to go for diet advice, but i think what they’re doing is actually pretty cool. number one, they’re taking responsibility for the fact that they’re junk food. number two, they’re not pimping a ultra restrictive diet that eliminates whole food groups, or fasts, or excessive exercise… they’re just advocating for people to make small changes in their diet and lifestyle and letting them know that a healthy diet can include all sorts of foods (even chocolate) in moderation. it’s good solid advice that i can support (and should probably do a better job at following). they even built a pretty cool (and FREE) iphone app that reminds you to take little activity breaks during the day.

so if you want yourself a free t-shirt, sweet diet journal, and bag of free candy and my undying love… just leave me a comment below telling me what the one food is that you can’t stop yourself from eating. or, if you’re skinny and perfect and never have to worry about your diet… just write me a comment rubbing it in and telling me how you’re gonna eat that chocolate all in one sitting.

the rules are as follows:

1. one entry per person.

2. entries close on november 15th at midnight. winner will be notified via email within 24 hours.

3. skinny bitches must be extra smug.