Posted by: Allie Ulrich | November 8, 2010

no fly list.

i can not be trusted. maybe some incredibly gifted and lucky folks out there find that resisting temptation is no real challenge. and to those folks, is say SCREW YOU. stop being so fucking smug about how superior you are. EVERYONE is tired of hearing it. but seriously, i can not be trusted. if certain foods should enter my home and be available to me at any time, i will consume them voraciously (and until the bag/box/wrapper has been emptied of all particles). if i try to dispose of them in order to save myself, i’d better make sure that they’re flushed down the toilet or doused in draino, because i will go (and have gone) into the garbage after them. i’m powerless and weak.

the only real success that i’ve ever had staying away from my danger foods, is to just not have them around. it goes beyond just not buying them, although that is the first step. like a crack addict has to kiss the pipe goodbye, i need to ban all of these foods from my life in all forms. i can’t eat them at restaurants, nibble them at parties, or bring them home on birthdays (even mine) or holidays. as nancy reagan would say, it’s time to just say no.

obviously, there are limits to the things that i am willing/able to remove from my diet for all eternity (without seriously squashing the quality of my life), but at least until i make a significant dent in this muffin top, the following foods  are on my no fly list:

1. popcorn: my greatest downfall. the world’s most perfect vehicle for butter, i am powerless to its crunchy charms. no popcorn balls, no smartfood, no fiddle faddle. it’s over popcorn, i just can’t live like this anymore.

2. added butter: this one goes hand in hand with the popcorn, but it’s also a no go for bread, vegetables, crackers (yes, buttered saltines are AMAZING!), pancakes… butter can be used to prepare food, but that’s where i draw the line.

3. macaroni & cheese: all varieties from boxed to home made. are we sensing a starchy fatty pattern here?

4. anything in the cheez family: cheez its. cheez doodles. cheez wiz. if it’s tangy, salty, and likely not made out of anything resembling real cheese… it’s off limits.

wow. a quick survey of the land tells me that i should probably just make the leap to veganism and be both kinder and skinnier. but… um… BUTTER AND CHEESE ARE MY BOYFRIEND (sorry real boyfriend). we’ll see how well i do with the no fly list, and then will consider a month of veganism after xmas as an act of post-holiday diet desperation.

weight this morning on an empty tank: 160.6


  1. […] well, the day after my last post, the scale magically said 158 lbs, despite my less than stellar eating and complete lack of exercise. one would assume that i would accept this mystical 2 lb. weight loss as a gift, and use it as motivation to keep pushing that big fat rock up the hill.  one would assume. but instead, i tapped into delusional center of my brain that was screaming “hey, maybe you don’t need to watch what you eat to lose weight, maybe you’re just gonna get skinny without trying. let’s give that a try. i want mozzarella stix!” and so i ate some mozzarella stix. and some butter. and some other things i had just finished declaring that i wasn’t going to eat. […]

  2. […] a bit better after the holidays. i’m eating normal dinners in reasonable portions. there is no butter in the house. my weight has returned to a semi-happy 160 lbs. however, one of the elements of my […]

  3. […] have sort of a cheese and butter problem to start with, even though my personal ethics would really love for me to be a vegan. i thought […]

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