Posted by: Allie Ulrich | January 12, 2011

the g-string diet.

so a while ago, i won this contest. this AMATEUR BURLESQUE contest. it was awesome and empowering and fun and all the things a girl might dream it to be. however, both of my routines involved costumes with FULL ASS COVERAGE. now, i’ve been doing a bit better after the holidays. i’m eating normal dinners in reasonable portions. there is no butter in the house, and my weight has returned to a semi-happy 160 lbs. however, one of the elements of my big burlesque win, is that i get to perform a number in atomic trash’s big anniversary show THIS SATURDAY. i’ve got it more or less planned out (i’ll be throwing candy into the audience if you’re into that sort of thing), and i feel like i’ll pretty much be ready to hit it by this weekend… except for one thing.

i must have blacked out in the macy’s dressing room when i was trying on potential costumes, because when i woke up, i had purchased this– MINUS THE WAIST CINCHER. that’s right, i have purchased a fluorescent pink g-string. to wear. ON STAGE. IN FRONT OF 100+ PEOPLE. FUUUUUUUUUUUCK! there will be a protective ass covering panty hose layer in there somewhere, along with small garter belt and a lot of plastic candy… but still. WHAT HAVE I DONE!?

well, it’s too late to turn back now. and no, i’m not going to do a fast or a cleanse or a crash and burn diet to try and drop 10 lbs. before saturday. what i can do however is eat well, keep the carbs, salt, and portions to a minimum, and try to be as un-bloated as i possibly can. basically, the healthy and reasonable diet that works when i follow it under regular life circumstances. what’s different here is my resolve.

i’m a complete diet pussy. the minute a twinge of hunger strikes, i head straight for the fridge and binge binge binge.  this is a big part of the reason i’m wearing this fat suit in the first place.  but this week as i careen toward my g-string sporting future, every time i am confronted with an opportunity to eat something that shouldn’t be on the menu (um, that GIANT PLATE OF PASTRIES that wandered into yesterday’s sales meeting), i just think of my ass in those tiny undies, and i keep on walking.  so far it’s wednesday, and the the “fear of public jiggle” diet is going smashingly well. i haven’t bothered to weigh myself in a day or two, but am feeling infinitely less bloated and floppy. i should threaten myself with public nudity every week!

does anyone else have any unusual modes of diet motivation? i know i’ve strongly considered hiring someone to knock the food out of my hand, but i just can’t afford it.


  1. Wow. You are brave! I wish I could say I will be there to cheer you on, but I’m not sure I’ll make it. It’s funny how things you want to go to come up without you realizing what day it is. Whenever I eat something sometimes I think of that silly saying “this doesn’t taste as good as skinny feels” or “do I love myself by eating this” (a recent addition from a friend which does make sense), but most of the time the answer is “yes, this third truffle does taste as good as i imagine skinny feeling and i do love myself by eating it.” So I fail. At least I can do it with humor and a smile on my face.

  2. […] even after a week on the g-string diet (and i didn’t even wear the g-string, because the midsection was still looking EXTRA SLOPPY […]

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