Posted by: Allie Ulrich | March 17, 2011

i blame hustler: why i can’t drink almond milk.

WARNING: i’m gonna talk about something kind of gross. if you keep reading, don’t blame me if you can never drink almond milk again. here i am, apologizing in advance, so don’t say i didn’t warn you.

before i went to college in 1996 (you do the math) not many people had the internet at home. those who did, generally had one centralized family computer. basically, not the best situation for looking at internet porn.

thus, by the time i got to college, i hadn’t seen much in the way of full on porno. mostly just late night skinemax and the 1980 playboy that my mom had because john lennon was interviewed. well, my freshman year, a girl in my dorm brought an enormous stack of hustlers to the common room, and dumped them on the table. my eyes were opened- WIDE.

that was the day that i learned about “cum shots”. this was my  first time ever seeing naked ladies splashed  on their faces and stomachs with… um… baby batter? it grossed me out. it made me nauseous for the rest of the day. i skipped dinner.

since that time, i’ve not done well with semi-transparent viscous white substances.

yesterday, i promised that i would try to ingest the almond milk, and i did not shirk my duty. i did however gag most of my way through it.

almond milk is actually quite tasty, but the carrageenan/xanthan gum thickened texture was just too much for me to bear. i think they’re trying to go for “creamy”, but they really just hit slimy and gelatinous HEAD ON. it din’t soak into my bran flakes, it sat on top… just like a big blob of spunk on a porn star’s face. i seriously had to close my eyes.

today, i tried the chocolate almond milk with less issue. although i can’t really see myself ever buying it again. i’m a girl who waters down OJ because it’s too thick- this artificial creaminess is KILLING ME.

if i decide to be vegan someday (and i hope i do), i think i might just learn to live without cereal. my delicate constitution can’t take the imitations.


  1. try the rice milk! much thinner, like…never mind, i was going to say something almost as gross, but i’ll just say like skim milk. i don’t have a problem with creaminess, so i don’t mind almond, but it sounds like you’re more of a rice milk girl.

    go for the vegenaise. go on, try it!

  2. did i miss you trying soy milk? that stuff is not as thick as almond milk, at least IMO (i’m not humble by any stretch).

    i agree with you that almond milk and semen are gross.

  3. The only almond milk I’ve had is by “Almond Breeze” and I think that might be a better choice for you. It’s not thick at all, and it succeeds in making my cereal soggy AND it tastes good. Especially the vanilla. Oh my god.

    Give it one more go! I dare you.

  4. […] the fact that my attempts at going dairy free are not going quite  as planned (and certainly not providing the result that i think the silk company was looking for), i am still […]

  5. so, just ran across this blog and thought it was interesting, and looked pretty easy.

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