i haven’t weighed myself in over a month. for a while there, i was doing ok. going to yoga… eating more vegetables… but then something snapped in me, and for the last month i’ve been eating pretty much nothing but starch, cheese, and butter (and various combinations thereof).

even though i wasn’t trying very hard, at some point, i just decided that i was tired of trying at all. and then i proceeded to eat heavily buttered popcorn witch cheddar cheese for dinner for a week straight. i could feel my pants tightening, and lost my ability to find a flattering double-chinless angle when looking in the mirror. i could no longer deny my swiftly creeping fatness, but i was also feeling extremely apathetic about stopping it.

then (ironically, over crepes), a dear friend who is also waging her own diet battle, suggested we become accountable to each other. THANK GOD. the cornerstone of a successful diet is the guilt and shame that comes with having to tell another person that you ate an entire stick of butter. that’s why weight watchers works so well. i signed on to the cindy plan immediately. well… starting monday.

this means that yesterday, i ate the following for dinner: 1 large grape slurpee, 1 venti black iced tea lemonade, one cheddar bagel twist, 1 box of toffee flavor crunch ‘n’ much, 1 cheesy filled soft pretzel, 1 ritter sport (the butter biscuit variety), 1 cheese & mayo sandwich, 1 slice heavily buttered bread, 1 betty crocker “warm delights” caramel cake, and a fistful of edamame chips. because my brain firmly believes that when i tell it we’re going on a diet, this means it will never eat good food again. ever. (even though my new plan has a binge meal factored in).

needless to say, i woke up this morning a salt and heat bloated 169.4 pounds. LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

whilst eating said junk foodables, i was at least actually making some real food an portioning it out in tidy packages so that i have no excuses this week.

i made: spicy black bean & quinoa salad, roasted brussels sprouts, cole slaw, marinated mushrooms (for grilled mushroom wraps), and hard boiled eggs. i get 1,500 a day.

BRING IT*.

*and cindy, feel free to publicly smack talk me for any and all sub-standard efforts.

oops. so yesterday, i fell off the dairy wagon- hard.

it started with a trip to the best breakfast in portland at hot suppa.  more specifically, the very best dish on their menu, fried green tomatoes eggs benedict (pictured, half eaten at left). just for the record, i didn’t get anything else milk based (no cheese! no cream!) other than the hollandaise and the butter i put on my grits…

and then, we went to aurora for cookies.

and then i hit the blue spoon for crimini mushroom stew with fried polenta and herbed ricotta.

and for a minute, i felt like it wasn’t “that bad”. like the quality of the food somehow made it ok that i didn’t last more than 5 days dairy free. and of course i would jump right back on the wagon on sunday.

but then i came home from my show with a pint of the new ben & jerry’s late night snack ice cream (chocolate covered potato chips!) and a bag of doritos. DORITOS?

WTF.

and then of course i went out for breakfast AGAIN (this time at local 188) today, and smothered myself in cream cheese. actually, i just finished the ice cream.

but despite my weekend full of flagrant failures, i hit the trader joe’s tonight, and bought myself a sack full of happy produce, and ABSOLUTELY NO CHEESE. i even bought some almond breeze (as I have been promised up and down that it is not jizz-like at all).

i’m going to plow through the rest of the week as best i can without falling prey to the wiles of dairy, but i’m definitely feeling like i’m not ready to go vegan for keeps quite yet. perhaps if i continue to seek adequate replacements, eventually i will be ready to cut the dairy cord. i suppose i should really make the determination at the end of the trial period, but the view from this intermission suggests that butter and i are not yet prepared to part.

WARNING: i’m gonna talk about something kind of gross. if you keep reading, don’t blame me if you can never drink almond milk again. here i am, apologizing in advance, so don’t say i didn’t warn you.

before i went to college in 1996 (you do the math) not many people had the internet at home. those who did, generally had one centralized family computer. basically, not the best situation for looking at internet porn.

thus, by the time i got to college, i hadn’t seen much in the way of full on porno. mostly just late night skinemax and the 1980 playboy that my mom had because john lennon was interviewed. well, my freshman year, a girl in my dorm brought an enormous stack of hustlers to the common room, and dumped them on the table. my eyes were opened- WIDE.

that was the day that i learned about “cum shots”. this was my  first time ever seeing naked ladies splashed  on their faces and stomachs with… um… baby batter? it grossed me out. it made me nauseous for the rest of the day. i skipped dinner.

since that time, i’ve not done well with semi-transparent viscous white substances.

yesterday, i promised that i would try to ingest the almond milk, and i did not shirk my duty. i did however gag most of my way through it.

almond milk is actually quite tasty, but the carrageenan/xanthan gum thickened texture was just too much for me to bear. i think they’re trying to go for “creamy”, but they really just hit slimy and gelatinous HEAD ON. it din’t soak into my bran flakes, it sat on top… just like a big blob of spunk on a porn star’s face. i seriously had to close my eyes.

today, i tried the chocolate almond milk with less issue. although i can’t really see myself ever buying it again. i’m a girl who waters down OJ because it’s too thick- this artificial creaminess is KILLING ME.

if i decide to be vegan someday (and i hope i do), i think i might just learn to live without cereal. my delicate constitution can’t take the imitations.

well, day 2 has come and gone, and i still haven’t cracked into my almond milk. pretty sad. i feel like i should send a formal letter of apology to the silk company for not being able to bring myself to ingest their product. it’s just so thick and viscous, and i have an innate fear of thick and viscous fluids.

it’s ridiculous really. i’ve had some very questionable cooking, and at one point accidentally ingested spoiled milk. my dad used to make me take a spoonful of cod liver oil ever sunday. I KNOW WHAT GROSS IS. yet my fear of what the almond milk might be like is paralyzing me!

tomorrow, i bite the bullet. no matter how vile it may be (and i’m positive that i’ve had grosser), i will have a small bowl of cereal with almond milk. or perhaps a glass of dark chocolate almond milk. it’s gonna be fine.

as for the experiment as a whole, so far i’ve not noticed any major difference in health or general well being. i’m certainly not eating any less calories. and frankly, all the lentil soup i’ve been eating is making me a little gassy.

remember that late night infomercial for “litter kwitter“? you know, the one where you teach your cat to use the toilet? well, i don’t need that. what i do need, is a new kind of infomercial system called “quitter kwitter”.  i’m not sure if it will involve graduated toilet seat rings or what, but i need some sort of “as seen on tv” solution to the problem i have with quitting.

yeah, even after a week on the g-string diet (and i didn’t even wear the g-string, because the midsection was still looking EXTRA SLOPPY [yes this is a real picture of me] and even the boyfriend agreed that it was a poor decision), i jumped off that wagon with both feet- directly into a vat full of butter and cheetos. i weighed in at an unsatisfactory 162.8 on friday morning, but i’m sure i’ll be back up to 165 in no time the way i’ve been shoveling in the crap. i actually heard myself utter the words “why don’t we smear some nutella on those shortbread cookies?” the other night. it’s exactly like being possessed by the devil (who i imagine to be a chunky fellow).

but yeah, when it comes to eating and exercise, i’m the queen of calling it quits.  sure, losing weight would be awesome- but i’d also like to figure out why i’m so easy to give in to my cravings. in so many other ways in my life  i am a strong, dedicated, person who knows how to play through the pain. but then as soon as someone waves mozzarella stick within a 10 foot radius, my resolve crumbles into a thousand tiny pieces.

as with most mondays, tomorrow i will dust off the cheez crumbs and try again. nothing outrageous or overly restrictive, just 1600-1800 calories of food that isn’t partially hydrogenated or made out of  anything remotely resembling jet fuel. and maybe i’ll remember this time (maybe) when the stomach grumbles settle in and i start feeling extra pitiful and sorry for myself… to put a goddamn jersey on and SUCK IT UP and KEEP GOING. there is no magic pill, putty, or magic jack that can help me now. billy mays is dead, and shamwow vince… well, he can’t even help himself. i’m on my own. LET’S DO THIS!

so a while ago, i won this contest. this AMATEUR BURLESQUE contest. it was awesome and empowering and fun and all the things a girl might dream it to be. however, both of my routines involved costumes with FULL ASS COVERAGE. now, i’ve been doing a bit better after the holidays. i’m eating normal dinners in reasonable portions. there is no butter in the house, and my weight has returned to a semi-happy 160 lbs. however, one of the elements of my big burlesque win, is that i get to perform a number in atomic trash’s big anniversary show THIS SATURDAY. i’ve got it more or less planned out (i’ll be throwing candy into the audience if you’re into that sort of thing), and i feel like i’ll pretty much be ready to hit it by this weekend… except for one thing.

i must have blacked out in the macy’s dressing room when i was trying on potential costumes, because when i woke up, i had purchased this– MINUS THE WAIST CINCHER. that’s right, i have purchased a fluorescent pink g-string. to wear. ON STAGE. IN FRONT OF 100+ PEOPLE. FUUUUUUUUUUUCK! there will be a protective ass covering panty hose layer in there somewhere, along with small garter belt and a lot of plastic candy… but still. WHAT HAVE I DONE!?

well, it’s too late to turn back now. and no, i’m not going to do a fast or a cleanse or a crash and burn diet to try and drop 10 lbs. before saturday. what i can do however is eat well, keep the carbs, salt, and portions to a minimum, and try to be as un-bloated as i possibly can. basically, the healthy and reasonable diet that works when i follow it under regular life circumstances. what’s different here is my resolve.

i’m a complete diet pussy. the minute a twinge of hunger strikes, i head straight for the fridge and binge binge binge.  this is a big part of the reason i’m wearing this fat suit in the first place.  but this week as i careen toward my g-string sporting future, every time i am confronted with an opportunity to eat something that shouldn’t be on the menu (um, that GIANT PLATE OF PASTRIES that wandered into yesterday’s sales meeting), i just think of my ass in those tiny undies, and i keep on walking.  so far it’s wednesday, and the the “fear of public jiggle” diet is going smashingly well. i haven’t bothered to weigh myself in a day or two, but am feeling infinitely less bloated and floppy. i should threaten myself with public nudity every week!

does anyone else have any unusual modes of diet motivation? i know i’ve strongly considered hiring someone to knock the food out of my hand, but i just can’t afford it.

so i was just doing that new year’s resolutiony thing over at broke207, and i declared that this year i was resolved to PAY ATTENTION! being my money blog, i was specifically talking about paying attention to my personal finances. however, i have decided that PAY ATTENTION! is a good overarching resolution for my whole life. saving money or losing weight are great goals, but if i can just learn to be more vigilant and take more time and care with my life in general, i have high hopes that it will pay off in all areas.  i also find that when making my goals too specific (lose 30 lbs! save $10,000! read a book a week!), i am too easy to hurl them out the window the second that my path from A to B becomes less than perfect.  so this year, no expectations. just watching and observing my life- national geographic style to see what’s really going on.

on the diet angle, i am stuffed to the gills with holiday cheer (primarily in the form of cookies and gravy). i weighed in this morning at a not stellar 163.8, after holding steady at 159 for weeks!  not surprising, considering the ENTIRE BOX OF WHEAT THINS i ate for dinner last night. can you say SALT BLOAT? but now that the holidays are over (and there isn’t another food bearing holiday until valentine’s day), i’m ready to start eating like a human being once again. but back to PAYING ATTENTION! every now and again, i go nuts and make food for an entire month in 1 day. 15 hours of my new year’s day were spent doing this seductive cooking dance, and the end result was both kitchen armageddon, AND the following foodables (neatly packed in to my uber anal freezer):

2 french onion soup (who needs beef stock!? this vegetarian times recipe is SPOT ON)

2 veggie chili (obviously minus the turkey, i also nix the celery and the red pepper, add a can of corn and a can of green chiles, and throw in a diced green pepper at the end so it’s still got a little snap to it).

2 veggie fried rice (soy, sesame oil, butter, and whatever veggies were left over)

4 shepherds pies (if you mix butter & a-1 sauce with morningstar meat crumbles, it makes the perfect shepherds pie base!)

2 mushroom stroganoff (i used real sour cream and gardein beefless tips instead of seitan- SO DELICIOUS! hopefully will still be good after cryogenic sleep)

4 veggie & cheese calzones (with leftover ricotta & veggies)

16 ricotta & spinach stuffed shells (i big container ricotta, 1 package of frozen spinach- well drained, 1/2 cup grated parmesean, 1 tbsp oregano, and fresh minced garlic and salt & pepper to taste).

20 asian faux pork meatballs (i used sausage flavor gimmie lean & steamed them- so tasty!)

40 tofu & veggie dumplings (i’ve heard tofu doesn’t freeze well… but it’s alton- i had to at least try!)

16 lemon poppyseed mini muffins (i used greek yogurt & a little extra lemon juice to phenomenal results!)

20 cornbread mini muffins

22 apricot & cranberry granola bars (easy, tasty, and you can add whatever you want)

making a mountain of easily accessible food might seem counter intuitive to the diet cause, but i did something that i hope will turn out to be totally brilliant. i didn’t just divide out my meals into reasonable  portions, i also labeled them with calorie counts. it isn’t that i’m intending to do any hardcore calorie counting (which always makes me crazy), it’s just that on the PAY ATTENTION! front, being confronted with that number when i reach into the bag/box/jar for a second bear claw full could elicit the moment of pause i need to back away and rethink what i’m about to do.

will it work? maybe not. but what i have been doing ISN’T WORKING, and i’m ready to let go of the shame and self loathing method of portion control, and try something a little gentler.

are new year’s resolutions for suckers?

this week in therapy, i was telling my doctor ( i like to call him dr. shrinkage) that i am always overly optimistic about the winter. now, i have lived in maine essentially for my entire life. you would think by now that i would realize that no matter how hopeful i am that this will be the winter where there’s only snow on xmas, and it never drops below 30 degrees, IT’S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. yet stupidly, i play this game every year. and every year, i am horribly horribly disappointed.

well, the day after my last post, the scale magically said 158 lbs, despite my less than stellar eating and complete lack of exercise. one would assume that i would accept this mystical 2 lb. weight loss as a gift, and use it as motivation to keep pushing that big fat rock up the hill.  one would assume. but instead, i tapped into delusional center of my brain that was screaming “hey, maybe you don’t need to watch what you eat to lose weight, maybe you’re just gonna get skinny without trying. let’s give that a try. i want mozzarella stix!” and so i ate some mozzarella stix. and some butter. and some other things i had just finished declaring that i wasn’t going to eat.

i haven’t weighed myself since the day that i gave in to my my inner hamburglar (or butterburglar really). my jawlilne is bloating back up, and i just spent a full day in a half-unzipped skirt hidden under a long sweater. oh, and i just finished eating a cheese stick, 2 pieces of heavily buttered toast, and a big bowl of egg salad. and it’s almost 1 am. tomorrow, i will get on the scale. tomorrow, i will go to sleep at a reasonable hour and not get an attack of the midnight munchies. i have exactly 25 days until xmas. can i stay on the wagon for that long?

and while i’m recounting my indiscretions… remember that giveaway? i was supposed to announce the winner 2 weeks ago! just consider it a really long drumroll……. elisa! you’re the winner. i’ll email you and shit.

i can not be trusted. maybe some incredibly gifted and lucky folks out there find that resisting temptation is no real challenge. and to those folks, is say SCREW YOU. stop being so fucking smug about how superior you are. EVERYONE is tired of hearing it. but seriously, i can not be trusted. if certain foods should enter my home and be available to me at any time, i will consume them voraciously (and until the bag/box/wrapper has been emptied of all particles). if i try to dispose of them in order to save myself, i’d better make sure that they’re flushed down the toilet or doused in draino, because i will go (and have gone) into the garbage after them. i’m powerless and weak.

the only real success that i’ve ever had staying away from my danger foods, is to just not have them around. it goes beyond just not buying them, although that is the first step. like a crack addict has to kiss the pipe goodbye, i need to ban all of these foods from my life in all forms. i can’t eat them at restaurants, nibble them at parties, or bring them home on birthdays (even mine) or holidays. as nancy reagan would say, it’s time to just say no.

obviously, there are limits to the things that i am willing/able to remove from my diet for all eternity (without seriously squashing the quality of my life), but at least until i make a significant dent in this muffin top, the following foods  are on my no fly list:

1. popcorn: my greatest downfall. the world’s most perfect vehicle for butter, i am powerless to its crunchy charms. no popcorn balls, no smartfood, no fiddle faddle. it’s over popcorn, i just can’t live like this anymore.

2. added butter: this one goes hand in hand with the popcorn, but it’s also a no go for bread, vegetables, crackers (yes, buttered saltines are AMAZING!), pancakes… butter can be used to prepare food, but that’s where i draw the line.

3. macaroni & cheese: all varieties from boxed to home made. are we sensing a starchy fatty pattern here?

4. anything in the cheez family: cheez its. cheez doodles. cheez wiz. if it’s tangy, salty, and likely not made out of anything resembling real cheese… it’s off limits.

wow. a quick survey of the land tells me that i should probably just make the leap to veganism and be both kinder and skinnier. but… um… BUTTER AND CHEESE ARE MY BOYFRIEND (sorry real boyfriend). we’ll see how well i do with the no fly list, and then will consider a month of veganism after xmas as an act of post-holiday diet desperation.

weight this morning on an empty tank: 160.6